Sexeteria

I'm going to make a statement that may be controversial, particularly for a sex blogger.

I believe there are some sex acts that should not be performed.

Keep reading below the cut before you flame me.

**And also note that any mention of sex blogs, blogging, or bloggers in the the text to follow are general and are definitely NOT about any specific sex blog or blogger in particular.

Warning: I always honor any reader's right to hold different political views than mine, but I'm going to offer mine here strongly, so if that will bother you, now's the time to hoof it.

It's mid-term elections in the US today. I just voted. The turnout was piddling. I visited two polling places (I've moved recently, and wasn't sure which place I now had to go to) and there was no line in either place. I don't just mean there was a short, fast line of a couple of people that I hardly noticed. I mean there was NO line; I didn't have to wait at all to be processed.

Now that's mighty convenient, but it's also really sad.

I know that lately with all the corruption and scandal and backbiting surrounding US elections, it may seem like it's just not worth the effort these days; that we have no power anymore. But that's just not true. Things are at stake here, people, even if it isn't a presidential election.

My friend Ray is has an intense and moving video clip up on his blog that shows you one issue at stake; one that's very close to home for him (and should be important to all of us, even if we don't live in New Orleans).

As a sex blogger, I'm going to focus on another issue at stake: the attempt to control and limit our rights to sexual expression and access to sexual education. Your vote could make a difference in this area.

A number of states have initiatives on the ballot this time attempting to limit the rights of same-sex and cohabitating couples and their dependents. Denying others their legal rights because of their particular sexual or relationship choices is just flat out unacceptable, regardless of whether you personally choose to associate yourself with those choices. So in a very direct way, not voicing your opposition to such measures will create a very dangerous environment for all of us. After all, they can limit "those people's" rights now...but who says it won't be you next. Get out there and vote to eliminate your state's ability to deny ANY fellow citizens' basic civil rights.

And along with that, here's another important point. Even though this is not a presidential election, it doesn't mean we can't use this election to send a very important message to our president and his administration, who are entirely out of touch not only with the reality of human sexuality in general, but also with their own citizens' actual opinions about it and how they'd prefer information about it be disseminated.

Just as one quick example, check out this very interesting article from Scientific American. I'll sum up the main points below. You tell me what's wrong with this picture [emphasis is mine]:

1. A recent survey has revealed that 82 percent of Americans--regardless of political leaning--favored comprehensive sex education in schools over abstinence-only programs. "Even among self-described conservatives, 70 percent supported comprehensive sex ed..."

2. "...studies have failed to show that abstinence-only education delays sex or lowers rates of teen pregnancy."

3. "Many more studies have looked at comprehensive sex ed. and found that some programs do increase condom and contraceptive use, but may also help delay sex..."

4. Currently the federal government gives around $170 million each year of OUR money to states and community groups to teach abstinence-only sex ed. The funding is contingent upon conditions such as disallowing the mention of birth control and condoms, except to talk about their failure rates.

So, comprehensive sex ed has been proven to at least sometimes result in young people delaying sexual activity--supposedly the GOAL of this administration--while abstinence-only education does NOT. And the VAST majority of Americans don't even WANT abstinence-only sex ed. And yet, this administration is spending close to $200 million on abstinence-only initiatives.

We're talking here about people with such twisted ideas about sexuality and morality that they are more concerned with funding the APPEARANCE of morality than in actually using an approach that works, because that approach LOOKS bad (to certain religious conservative voter bases--a MINORITY opinion group in the US, I might add).

That's twisted, people. It's time for a change. I wrote a piece the other day that talked about how those of us with more out-of-the-mainstream sexual tastes and fantasies have an obligation to provide perspective and clear education for our readers about sexual realities. That's certainly true in the other direction, too. Those with more conservative views also have this responsibility to provide perspective. And that perspective is that NO ONE should be forced to believe only one view exists or is "good" or "natural" or "okay"--and even moreso when such propaganda and information suppression methods have been proven to be ineffective and damaging.

It's time to send a clear message that we won't put up with this anymore. Make your vote count--vote against anyone who supports the current administration. Vote against any initiative that limits people's personal freedom to love, live, and express their sexuality freely and STILL maintain their civil rights.

It does matter. Get out there. Bring your friends, co-workers, family members, others in your community that may have difficulty getting there on their own. Make a line. Wait to get in it if you have to. Be a little late for dinner or to meet up with your friends. Temporary inconvenience is a very small price to pay for your sexual freedom.

Whereas, apathy may seem more comfortable in the short-term, but down the line, it'll hurt like hell.

I needed to write this headline to get over something. A fear. Call it one of my cheese suits.

I really want to do this before this year ends and the next one begins.

Before we begin, please look at this photo, what the person chose to name it, read the photographer's summary, and the comments that follow it. I wonder if you thought it was funny, or stupid, or cruel, or just nothing in particular.

For me, it was extremely painful. I feel a deep hurt--the kind of shaky anger and pain and fear and confusion that I can only equate with the feeling of betrayal. That's the closest I can come. How heartless, how without humanity. Look at the PLEASURE with which they go at it. The abject hatred for people they don't even KNOW. It...frightens me. It always has. I have grown to realize I have lived with a fear of this sad reality all my life, regardless of what my own body looked like.

I have wanted to write about body issues for a long time now, but I find each time I think of doing it, I don't know how to start, or what exactly I want to say. There is so much to say, and so much I want to avoid saying. I guess since there is no eloquent way to do this, the best way at this point is just to lay out some facts and then maybe they'll lead to something eventually.

Fact 1:
The thing that is on my mind, that I wanted to talk about today, is I'm now hovering on the line between fat and thin. I have not been on that line for a long time. More specifically, this balance is currently in the form of a number for me. Last week, I was on the brink of breaking the 200 pound mark. As in, one more pound, and the scale would have a "1" as the first figure of three, instead of a "2." It has been...at least two years (or more?) since I could say that.

Fact 2:
I was at one point while I was writing this blog, 248 lbs.

Fact 3:
I have been bothered since the start that I could not admit that when it was true. And that I knew then that if I ever did tell you that number, I would never do so until I was at a weight where I felt safe from the ridicule and scorn I assumed would come with such an admission (see photo link above). I don't know that I'm actually at that safe point now, yet, but I know I feel safer than I would have back then. I feel ashamed that I was ashamed to admit this. I think it was cowardly.

Fact 4:
It is harder for me to tell you about this than it was to talk about my sexual assault. I am more ashamed of being fat and of my body issues than I am of having been a rape victim. I think there is far more disgust and far less pity out there in the world for a fat woman than there is for a rape victim. (At the same time, I think my weight issues may be inextricably bound to my assault issues, but I am as of yet unsure of the exact connection.)

Fact 5:
I have never lied about my body type by saying I was thin, but I was never open about it either. I am certain this deliberate omission allowed people to envision an entirely different kind of woman when they read my writing. I suspect no one read my blog and imagined I was fat. I suspect they imagined an entirely different kind of woman, with an entirely different kind of body than one that was carrying around 248 pounds of weight around on it. I assumed, and continue to assume, that people do not want their image of a sexy, beautiful, mysterious blogger ruined and replaced with the harsh reality of an image of "a fat pig."

Fact 6:
This means, of course, I assume no one would assume if I were fat, that I could also be sexy, beautiful, and mysterious. That I could be anything beyond merely gross.

Fact 7:
I believe with certainty that I will lose readership because of this post. Particularly male readership.

Fact 8:

I can not talk to people about my weight without making a concerted effort to make them understand that "I was not always this way." That I was, at one time, and for a very long time, very thin. I suspect I do this because I think if they know this, it will somehow make them think not quite so little of me as they would if they assumed I have always embodied The Fat Person.

Fact 9:
There is a huge amount of shame I have about having become fat. About being fat. I don't want this to be true, that I feel shame about it, but it is true. I think people look at fat people and make assumptions about them, based solely on their bodies. Loser, sad, lazy, pathetic, slovenly, ugly, subhuman, animalistic (think of the nicknames: fat pig, fat cow, fat fucking bitch, ugly sow, fat ass--all animals).

Fact 10:
It fills me with anger that this is true. That people--and particularly men, but women, too--treat you differently when you are thin than when you are fat. And I know this to be true first-hand. It fills me with anger when I look at personal ads and see men--and I mean even FAT men---saying they only will consider someone "petite or 'fit.'" It also annoys the hell out of me that "fit" is the new euphemism for thin. If you're fat, you don't "fit." It fills me with anger when I hear someone say, "She has such a pretty face, what a shame..." about a woman who is overweight. It fills me with anger when EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to hear fat jokes in the media, and just out in the world--or just commentary on how one shouldn't be fat, how it's preferable to be thin. If you are not fat, you probably don't realize the constant barrage of it. Take a day to notice it carefully. Count it up. It's overwhelming. Some of these comments--if they were said about a race or a religion, people would be up in arms. Fat people are the one group no one even feels a begrudging need (even if only by fear or societal pressure) to show any respect to.

Fact 11:
Even as all this makes me angry, and even as there are many fat people who I love and respect, I often find myself deep down adopting these attitudes, in a once-removed kind of way. As in, I feel sorry for them that I know the world won't look at them as well as they should, because I assume that's the case. That I know many people might not find them attractive. And, much as I'm ashamed to say it, in the past I have sometimes wondered if when I am with a fat person in a social situation, if people think that says something about ME. As if the attitude about fat "rubs off" on the other people around the fat person. As a result, of course, I assume no one would want to be around me while I'm fat, because they wouldn't want my "fat vibes" ruining their mojo.

Fact 12:
I can't tell you how hard it is to have just written that. I can't imagine how pathetic and fucked up I must be coming off.

Fact 13:
Bringing us back to fact 1: I am now hovering. I have lost almost 50 lbs. I am just about to cross the line from plus-size clothing into regular clothing. Just about to cross the line from two-hundred-and-something to one-hundred-and something. And for some reason, I am fucking terrified. I had one pound to go last Thursday, and it was done. This week, I binge ate, so now I am five pounds heaver than I was last week. I just lied to you. I am seven pounds heavier. I actually thought lying by that two pounds would seem different somehow. This is how fucked up I am over this issue. Anyway, I have successfully moved myself away from the brink for one more week, it seems. Sabotaged myself. Whatever.

Fact 14:
Again, I am fucking terrified. I am terrified to be fat, and I am terrified to be thin again. When you are fat, no one sees you. When you are thin, everyone looks at you. But not at you. That's not what they're looking at.

Fact 15:
I feel like no one has ever really seen me in my entire life.

Fact 16:
People congratulate you on getting thin. This enrages me. People feel they have free reign to comment on your body as you lose weight, and especially when you're thin. Many days, I feel I never want to hear I'm beautiful again, unless it has nothing to do with my body. And yet, I crave knowing someone finds me physically beautiful. Because I suspect if they don't see me as beautiful outside, they won't even consider what's inside. I don't want to CARE if people think I'm beautiful. I don't want to CARE. I don't want to CARE. But I do.

Fact 17:
I often see myself as two separate women: fat girl and thin girl. Like they are different people. I guess because I get treated differently, I assume people see me differently, and it's somehow created this split in my own mind. Fat girl is all the things I'm not supposed to be, and all the negative things I am, and all the positive things that go unnoticed when I'm stereotypically beautiful. She's sad, and isolated, but authentic. Thin girl is perfect girl, the girl everyone wants, who can play the surface game really well. She's what the world wants. I'm afraid to lose fat girl. She's part of me. I don't want people to assume she's not there. I don't want people to know she's there somewhere and so not to want me, because she might show up again. Fat girl, while being painful to be her, doesn't have anything to prove anymore. She doesn't have to care what people think, because she already knows what they think--not much. Thin girl--she's the good girl, whose looks please everyone else. I don't want to be pretty to please everyone else. I don't want to be thin to please everyone else. And even if I get thin for me, people will do that--they will express their pleasure at the fact I am thin. I AM NOT GETTING THIN TO "FIT" IN. Or am I?

Fact 18:
I AM NOT GETTING THIN TO "FIT" IN. Or am I?
That is the scariest part. If I'm fat, I know I'm not doing it to fit in. If I'm thin...well...
I am getting thinner because I am getting healthier, finally treating my body nicely after a lot of abuse, and my body is responding. I am also getting thinner because when I look at photographs of me, I don't even know who that woman is. I don't recognize her. I want to know myself. That is my goal. But I know in so doing, it will also gain me certain other things. Acceptance, attraction, desire...love.
I wish someone had ended up loving me while I was fat. It would have proved to me the world isn't as full of fucking assholes as I now think it is. But no one did.
I look at those hundreds and hundreds of personal ads of men--even fat men--saying they'll only date a thin woman. And I know in a matter of months, I'll be able to write to them and they'll want to date me. And all I can think is, FUCK YOU.

---
Photo credit: DIY cosmetic surgery--a tummy tuck by jayjuice. It's a series; the whole set is great. See it here.

A very sweet anonymous commenter left this note on my last post a few days ago:

Anonymous said:

Hi, I've been a long time reader of your blog and you seem very smart and insightful. I am terribly embarrassed :: covers face in humiliation:: to even request that you blog about something but I am thinking about losing my virginity and I was wonder if either you could do a little something about your opinions or whatever or please offer any advice. I'm kinda nervous but mostly just need some reassurance. Could you help me out? :) Please?

First of all, Anonymous (I'll call you Anon to make it easier from here on out), thanks very much for reading and for thinking I seem smart and insightful. A very nice compliment. Second, there's absolutely no need to be embarrassed--every single one of us was where you're at at some point, and many still are. Third, It's a pleasure to have someone suggest a topic to me for a change--I wish more people would write in with questions! Plus, I haven't been writing a lot of sex-related posts lately, and I've been missing it a lot, but was lacking some inspiration. And now, here you are. So, thank you and I'm extra delighted to write a little something about it for you, and hopefully my commenters can weigh in with their ideas, too.

I should begin by pointing out that I have already written two posts related to virginity that you may be interested in. One is a post about my own first time, and the other is about the language used to discuss the concept of "virginity" and how I don't appreciate the terminology of loss and ruin affiliated with it ("losing her virginity," "defloration"). In fact, just the word VIRGIN seems so heavily fraught with said implications that I would prefer if we could move away from the term altogether. People are sexual beings from early in childhood. To hang all of the importance of sexual development on that one moment of penis-to-vagina coitus is just silly (not to mention entirely exclusionary for some sexually active people who don't DO penis-to-vagina coitus).

So, Anon, let's not call you a virgin, but a "sex newbie."

Now, I can't tell from your comment if you are a guy or a girl, what age you are, what your sexual orientation is, or if the partner you are planning on having sex with is also a virgin or not. Because of that my tips are going to have to be very general, and not focus on too many specific sexual tips. And also keep in mind that for every "rule" I might offer up here, there is always an exception. These are suggestions based on my own personal experience. If your experience differs, the "rules" for you may be different. But, to the best of my ability, here are what I think are a few things all sexual newbies should keep in mind.

1) Be SURE you're ready to have sex

You may be asking, "Yeah, but, how do I know if I'm totally sure?"

The answer is very simple. Ask yourself very bluntly, "Am I ready to have sex?" If your answer is anything other than an instant, "Yes!", with no other explanations or "becauses" added on, then you're not ready.

You may balk at that, but trust me on this one. If the answer is, "Well, I think so," you're not ready. If it's, "Yes, because it'll make my boyfriend/girlfriend so happy," you're not ready. It it's, "Yes, because at my age, people will think it's weird if I haven't had sex yet," you're not ready. If it's "Yes, because everyone else I know is already having sex, and I'm the only one who hasn't, and I'm a loser," you're not ready (and by the way, at least some percentage of "everyone else you know" is lying to cover up, trust me).

When you are ready to have sex, there will be no "becauses" after the "yes" other than "because I want to." When you are ready, you will know it with every inch of your being. You'll want it. Badly. I'm not saying you might not feel a little nervous about it, but it'll be the good, excited kind of nervous, not the bad, scared or worried kind of nervous.

If you don't feel that you want to do it with every inch of your being right now, I'd suggest you wait till you feel that way. You just need to have that "Yes! I want this more than anything!" feeling or it isn't going to be a great first experience. And trust me, I have a lot of friends who didn't have a great first experience because they pushed themselves ahead with it before feeling that "Yes!" feeling. And to a one, each has told me he/she wished he/she could go back now and re-do it. Whereas I waited a good long time till I felt that "Yes!" feeling (I was 20 when I first had full-on sex), but it was well worth the wait, because I enjoyed my first time thoroughly, and have no regrets about my first time at all. (And by the way, I'm not suggesting it's best to wait until you're any particular age--just make sure you wait until you are 100% certain you're ready, is all.)

2) Be realistic

The popular conception of one's first-time is that it supposedly "should" be this sacred love bond between two people. But conceptions are not necessarily realities. The real truth is that some people will arrive at that "Yes!" feeling as a result to having that kind of deep spiritual love connection with their partner. But some people's "Yes!" feeling will come from a surge of sheer lust--a physical need to fulfill a sexual drive. Either of those is entirely okay (so long as you don't try to fool your partner into thinking you feel something you don't, either way). And some may get to "Yes!" through an altogether different set of feelings than either of those. However, regardless of what got you to "Yes!", it's best to not build up your first time with SO much expectation that you are bound to be disappointed.

If romance, hearts, rose petals, and candles make your day, and you think it'll make your first time better, go on and have 'em. But my personal opinion is that that's the wrong primary focus. Just like everything else you try for the first time, things are not going to be perfect. Be ready for that. Don't focus so much on getting the "perfect" romantic setting that when it turns out you forgot to bring the candles, it kills your entire mood. Focus instead on the important basics: finding an environment where you feel safe and positive, where you can spend uninterrupted time, and you and your partner can communicate openly. That last one means you want somewhere where you won't have to whisper or stay silent because people are nearby and you don't want them to hear. Your first time needs to be a situation where you can openly communicate (and your lover can hear and respond to) how you're feeling and what feels good to you and what doesn't--and one where you can make lots of luscious, enthusiastic noise if the mood hits you, without feeling embarrassed about it.

3) Be open about your experience level with your partner

It's crucial that you let your partner know this is your first time having sex, and what you have and haven't done in bed so far. If your partner doesn't know your level of experience, he or she can't help make your first time a good one. He or she won't know where he/she has to slow down and explain, or where he/she needs to be more careful until you feel secure in what is going on. I can't stress this enough. For your own well-being, don't hide the fact that you're a virgin. Just explain this is new for you, and you may need some extra communication and teaching. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. And in fact, many, many people find it incredibly sexy to be someone's "first."

4) Choose your partner well

If I could rule the world, I would require all sex newbies to have their first time with someone who is experienced and certified (through an Sexual Aptitude Test) as having high scores as a sexual partner. The thought of two virgins trying to figure out how to have good first-time sex together seems sweet to me, but I'm guessing it probably doesn't make the best possible sexual experience you could have. Whereas, sleeping for the first time with someone who knows his/her stuff and who is a good, kind, patient, and passionate teacher can really be a benefit. But still, that's unrealistic. Some virgins are going to have sex with other virgins. Some are not. And even if you sleep with someone who's had 100 partners or more, that's no guarantee they'll be good in bed. So the key is, you want to maximize your chances you'll end up with a good partner for a first-time experience. With that in mind, here are some some early indicators to look for that may help predict who will be a good sexual partner when the time comes:

• He/she is good at kissing and foreplay. If you hate the way he/she kisses or touches your body before you even get naked with him/her, sex with him/her is going to suck. Find someone who it's a pleasure to make out with.
• You think he's/she's hot. No matter how nice the person is, if there's no physical attraction, it just ain't gonna be that good.
• You like him/her. Would you want to have a conversation with the person after you're done having sex? If not, don't have your first time with him/her. There is nothing more awkward or more of a let down than bad after-sex. And it'd be worse after a first-time experience.
• He/she likes you. Does the person treat you well? Are you certain the guy/girl is 100 percent into you in every way? Does he/she listen to what you're telling them? Do they respect your wishes about everyday things, as well as any early-on physical/sexual things? If the answer to any of these is "no" or only "kind of," this person won't be good in bed for you. And they might even be dangerous. Respect is KEY.
• You feel safe with the person--you know him/her well enough to trust him/her. During first-time sex you can feel very vulnerable; so the best sex will be with someone who you feel safe with--someone whose behavior and responses to you you can predict. You can't predict how a stranger is going to behave. Find someone you know and trust for your first time.
• He/she is a verbal communicator. If the person seems comfortable sharing his/her feelings with you, that is a good sign. If when he/she is getting physical with you, he/she is very verbally open about what feels good to him/her and what he/she would like more or less of, that's an even better sign. And if the person asks YOU if things feel good or what you'd like more or less of, this is the best sign of all. And if you get all three at once, you've hit the jackpot. This person will most likely be an ideal guide for a first sexual experience, because he/she will encourage open communication, will listen to your cues, and will teach YOU how to say what you want in bed, too, by his/her own good example.

Whew! That's all I have time for tonight. I have even more things to say, and will try to get a part two up as soon as I can, though I can't promise it'll be tomorrow.

But for the time being, readers--what do you think of the tips above? Agree? Disagree? Have more to add? Other suggestions for Anonymous? Please speak up!

And Anonymous, since Valentine's Day is coming up and I somehow suspect this might be your planned "moment of attack," I'll say to you that if I don't get to part two before then, and you know you have your "YES!" feeling good and ready to go...well, just relax, enjoy it, keep communication between yourself and your partner open, never be afraid to say (and be firm about) what you do and don't want. Also remember nothing is perfect when you do it the first time; the key is not to get it all right the first time, but to have a great time trying things out.

I hope this was useful to you. Good luck!

My Sex Tips for Virgins (Part 1) post that I wrote quite a while back continues to be one of my most highly keyword-searched and trafficked posts. Because of this, I've always felt a little guilty I didn't continue on with the series as I'd originally planned. Obviously a lot of people are looking for help in this area.

Today, I got a concerned comment on that old post from a very sweet girl, and my comment back to her grew to massive post length, so I'm going to post my answer here as a somewhat personally addressed "part two" in the series. Hopefully, as I get less busy, I'll be able to have more organized, generalized follow-ups.

I'd like all readers to keep in mind, however, that though I'm choosing to answer a younger person in this particular post, because she seems to really need some info, this site is in general an adult site, and is not meant for teen readership. So that means, any teen readers of this post, no peeking around elsewhere, or I'm taking your cell phones away for a year! Got it? Good.

Okay. Here's what the commenter wrote:

I'll be very honest with everyone, I'm only 14 & my boyfriend is turning 15 really soon. It isn't that we are 'planning' to have sex but we both can sense it's coming up, we are sort of afraid to move bases, I really don't know what to do it's kinda scary, I'm a virgin and he is too, I'm his first girlfriend and he is my second. My first bf went with one of my friends but i didnt care, but when i found out they are almost 'having' sex I freaked. I mean we all are only 14 and really soon both guys turn 15, I mean, both she & I are very worried. We don't know what to do. I know my bf and I wont do anything wrong, yet, but I know and feel it in my heart he is the one, my true love, but sex is such a difficult topic to talk about, I don't know what to do. I need help, I just want to know when should I have sex with my Bf, when we both are older or at least responsible enough to take care of a baby??? I don't know, I'm confused I love him with all my heart, really i do. But the thing is that I'm lost and I have no idea what to say, all i want is to move base, as in more than just kissing & hugging, i want more. I feel so bad but i love it at the same time, I need help can anyone help???

Viridiana

To see my answer, please hit the "continue reading" link below.