Sexeteria

(1) "Men are primarily interested in the chase"

Way too simplistic. Men are multi-faceted beings, just like women. Men want lots of different things in a relationship (even the stereotypical, knuckling dragging type). Men want to feel powerful and attractive. For some guys this means being controlling. For others it just means that they want to be needed and wanted in both a physical and emotional manner.

Some guys love the chase and will continue to chase pretty much non-stop. If you've got a guy who has to chase, they'll be chasing other women no matter what you do. After a while, he's going to get bored with just chasing you, and try to find some new challenge.

Other guys HATE the chase. They want a straightforward approach with honesty and candor. And when they've "got" the woman, they want to just have a normal and safe relationship.

Most guys are somewhere in the middle.

(2) "To keep a man, play coy and keep a sense of competition"

This is even worse. Indeed, it is the recipe for an unhealthy relationship.

If a guy has to constantly "chase" then he'll be chasing other women while with you.

If you aren't honest with your feelings and you keep a sense of "competition" you are really just keeping the both of you from ever really growing together.

A much better strategy is to just keep a sense of fun and excitement. Try new things. Explore new territory (and not just sexually).

Combine a healthy excitement where you experience life together along with the bonding of shared goals and overcoming struggles and you'll have the makings of a wonderful relationship.

(3) "A guy will do anything to get laid"

There is a bit of truth here, but it is overstated.

There are plenty of lying manipulative guys around. There are far more guys whose good sense gets overtaken by their raging hormones.

How to deal with the raging hormone issue is tricky. You have to get past the pure sexual attraction somehow and learn about the real person.

As I said before, men are multifaceted beings and are hardly identical. They have lots of needs aside from sex. If you want something more than sex, try to reach those other needs before you hit the sack. And make him wear a condom.

(4) "You'll only know how a guy will behave with you after he fucks you"

WRONG!!!

If the guy is only interested in sex, then he'll keep up the pretense to get MORE sex.

If the guy is interested in something more than sex, you'll find out by doing other activities including talking. You know, those intense personal conversations that you have with someone that you've got a bond with. But you can also do other things like white-water rafting or volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.

Doing those things will teach you infinitely more than just banging him.

And these learning experiences will happen whether you have sex with him first or after.

SUMMARY

All four statements are either false or gross over simplifications.

-- Quixotic

Jeepers you ask hard questions. But, that's one of the reasons I love you. I don't have as much time as I'd like, so I may have to be brief, but I will try to give you my opinion. And that is all it is, an opinion based on a lifetime of experience and observation.

The trick here, as in most issues like this, is that we are confronted with a "general" and a "specific" answer, sometimes the two do not agree. For example, it might be true that all men (in the general sense) are after the chase. But when we talk about one man in particular, perhaps the man you are interested in dating, he may not be.

1) And so yes, most men are interested in the "chase". But here is the caveat to this statement, the "chase" is not always a womancentric thing. In my case the "chase" is one of achievement and success/recognition focused primarily on my business. And in other interests. My chase is not a woman and so I can be very happy with one woman, in fact I plan on it. I suspect that many men focus on the woman aspect, and hence the general rule, but it isn't true of all men. Not in the way you intended.

2) I would qualify your question by adding, "If she wants the bad relationship to continue." If that is the case, then yes, your question is true. Unfortunately this is where many women find trouble, in attempting to keep a bad relationship going, instead of recognizing it for what it really is. A man whose center is the chase of women, and does not include something else as well, is in trouble. Eventually.

3) Increasingly false as the level of maturity of the man in question increases. For example, I have never once lied to my Lady L in over two years and we have a very healthy sex life. I don't plan on lying to her ever. In retrospect however, in my younger years, I did sometimes exaggerate the truth to achieve my goals. While not an out and out lie, per se, I did stretch the truth. This was rampant storyteller in me, which I have learned to control in my later years.

4) But this is true the other way as well. Speaking from the male perspective, we are all more open, vulnerable and trusting after sex than at any other time. I can't say this for everyone, but I suspect this is only natural.

Having said all that, I hope I have helped you in some way. I wish I had more time tonight, but I am always an email away. :)

I daresay this need be tested empirically, Syl. ;)

My, this is quite a bit to cover. I pretty much agree with Quixotic here, but the one theme I have trouble with is "the chase". I prefer to think of it as a "dance". When you meet someone you're interested in, you begin the dance of learning about each other mentally, physically, and emotionally. You waltz, tango, two step, dip, and maybe hit the mosh pit a time or two.
Running and chasing (or being chased) is hard work and I for one would tire of it. And if "She must always make him feel there is competition involved", forget it, I'd be out of there fast!

So there's my take on it.

1) I've been the initiator in every even marginally successful relationship I've ever had; either this is complete crap or I've never been with a man, which I think would surprise the hell out of a lot of people.

2) This is a 'therefore' on a posited axiom that is complete tommyrot. That set aside, however, I find the "lie and play idiot games in order to have a relationship" to be the sort of thing that I'm not willing to put up with in either myself or anyone else. While I am aware that there exist people who want to play these games, I don't hang out with them and I certainly don't find them appealing as potential partners.

3) I find this one contemptibly sexist. Keep in mind that it's entirely culturally based -- if you look back in even Western history a bit, the popular 'men are sex monsters' myth gives way to *women* being the insatiable, uncontrollable, completely sexually-driven ones. Oddly enough, the solution to both of these seems to be the same: keep the women constrained and contained and hidden away, so that they cannot tempt/ravish, depending on cultural assumptions. I am sure there exist men who cannot think of anything but sex, and I suspect they would be just as boring as, y'know, men who can only think about professional football. Single-interest human beings are dull.

4) My experience is that one only knows how a partner will really treat one once the relationship is settled and stable. Which means working out that whole "Wheeeeee, I'm in a relationship!" period with its rose-tinted glasses, and past whatever courting behaviours are part of the establishing part. The abusive relationship I was in turned that way once he thought I wouldn't leave. (He was wrong.) The relationship that failed due to lack of maintenance did so progressively after the shiny wore off and it was no longer an active thrill to do that maintenance because of too much Wheeee.

Basically, whenever I see things like this, I am reminded that I am in the "Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it." school of thought. I have not found the motivations of people with penises different from the motivations of people without them. I select partners from people I already know and have a reasonable guess will be compatible with me; sometimes I've done better than others, but at least I don't wind up with having to deal with the "the other sex is an alien lifeform beyond my comprehension" stuff that way.

I love a challenge.

1) Men are primarily interested in the chase. Once they know they "have" a woman (physically, emotionally, or both), their interest wanes and they are off to look for the next "challenge."
Depends on the person. Generally speaking, it's been my experience that you get what you go looking for. If you go to the bars all the time hoping to find 'the one' (which doesn't exist, actually), you'll find guys who just want to fuck. Why? They're at a bar, they want to get laid.

2) Therefore, in order to not only "catch" but "keep" a man, a woman must keep up the fantasy of the chase, regardless of whether she has decided she is partial to that particular man.
Ooooh... bad idea. Always has been a bad idea, that whole idea of 'I'm only going out with you until I find someone better'. My reaction when it's directed towards me has always been 'Ok, then go away and quit wasting my time'. Have your own interests, have your own 'things' that you do, but don't pull the 'Well, if you don't want me, X person does' or 'Gee, I wonder if HE'S single'... You'll find yourself soon being single and finding out. If someone feels they have to constantly compete for you like you're some prize, they'll eventually figure out that you're not that great a prize.

3) A man will do or say anything to a woman, including lying, in order to get laid. (A.K.A., "A man will always think with his dick first.")
I've been told this isn't true. Really. I've been told it IS true. I've been told 'I'll fuck her, but I wouldn't date her'. I've experienced the 'You may as well be my hand for as much true focusing I'm doing with you'. I've had one-nighters that have been incredible because they DON'T think with their dicks. For this one, it all depends on the person.

4) Therefore, a woman should believe nothing a man says or does pre-coitus. The only way to know who he truly is and how he really feels about you is to see how he behaves toward you after the fact.
OOOOohhh, bad idea. Seriously. Answer below...

These questions are mad generalizations from mad psycho-babble people that, yeah, they may have a book and a degree and an editor and all that, but... How's their sex life? How's their love life? Are they dating anyone? Do they LIE to them? Male or female?

I've made every effort all along the way to be as honest as possible with people I go to bed with. The problems come out when people aren't honest, either about themselves, their wants or needs. That's when you know things are failing, when you stop being honest with each other. Sic_un and I have been going out for 6 months now. We've never been anything but completely up front with each other about our expectations and where we're going with this. If he was 'just a fuck', I'd let him know. Same on his end. All based on honesty.

This list reads like some mad high school junior's way to get the captain of the football team to take her to Prom. Honesty is the best thing, honest about what you want, what you need, and if you let people know, there will be like-minded people out there as well.

And fuck that shit about 'The One'... There's HOW MANY people in the world? I'm sure, no matter where I am, I can find someone to love who loves me back. If I'm honest.

Ah Syl. The thing is, the thing is....these are questions of the surface. I don't mean they're not relevant, or interesting, or even have an ounce of truth in some of them.

But may I suggest some other points? Because essay questions just bring out the sulky, obtuse teenager in me. Sorry
: )

1. When you first meet someone the possibilities are huge and dazzling and often wonderful. What you don't know about the person is enchanting. I think it's a lot to do with timing. When two people meet, there's that liminal period when neither knows what will happen. You keep a certain distance not out of coyness or the desire to play a game, but out of a desire to know what is really there, underneath the nerves and the excitement and the newness. You wait to see what possibilities may arise. It's not chasing so much as waiting, on both parts. Agonising, delicious, heartbreaking, highly-charged waiting. (I'm not necessarily talking about sex, but more about intimacy. Having said that:)

2. One night stands can be great fun. Brief, wild, reckless, stupid, disappointing, surprising, sexy, awful. If you just want sex, then they can be a lovely little diversion. But in my experience when I've met someone with whom the possibilities are greater than sex, it naturally just doesn't happen immediately. Soon, perhaps, but not immediately. Because as big as sex is, there are bigger things. Weirdly, the universe and fate seem to intervene in these cases and present all sorts of interesting obstructions to getting jiggy.

But then, read this while bearing in mind that when it comes to love I'm a hopeless romantic, and tend to the mystical shit too.

Ah Syl, it's such fun! You're going to have a ball! If I was going to offer advice, I'd say: Don't be cynical. Have adventures. Be playful, but don't play cold-hearted games (as if you would). Oh, I'm excited for you. Good luck!

I disagree with some of this.

1) If a woman tries to make me chase her... I will walk away. I'm not going to waste my time chasing a girl who's not interested.

2) I would prefer honesty to game playing.

3) I have never in my life lied to get laid... Though i don't get laid very often...

4) i find it harder to believe anything a woman says... The last g/f i actually had cheated on me... I recently tried dating again... After the 2nd date she told me she was actually seeing someone... In my experience women lie constantly... not just when they want sex.

You've already received some excellent comments on this post, Miss Syl, so I'll try to be brief in my additions (difficult as that is for me):

1. An outgoing, self-confident, egotistical man may derive more pleasure from "the chase" than any resulting relationship, because success validates his self-image as an attractive stud. Not every man is one of these, though. Like most facets of sexuality, there is a continuum. Note: some women delight in the chase as well!

2. A woman is not going to "keep" the chase-centric man unless there is some other force holding the relationship together (kids, money/mortgage, a shared, unusual kink). Otherwise, I think the duration and success of a relationship depends on the comfort factor more than anything else. If two people enjoy being with each other, both in and out of bed, the relationship is likely to flourish.

3, Yes, some men will lie through their teeth to get laid. But others, I think a majority, are very sincere and will not think with their dicks unless the woman is thinking with her pussy. Indeed, if the woman makes it clear from the outset that SHE is the one looking to get laid, and doesn't care whether the sex develops into a relationship, many men can't handle it!

4. I think 4 is generally true, but not for the same reason intimated by the question. Most people are on their best behavior when a relationship is new and they are trying to leave a good impression, whether to encourage the other person to try sex, to hire him or her for a job, or some other reason. Once you've had sex with someone, that person tends to take your company a bit more for granted and you may see some things in his/her personality you hadn't seen before. And you may like or dislike them.