Exposure
It's the mornings that are hardest. I wake up and my room is full of clean, new, white light. I keep my eyes closed, hugging the downy white comforter and sheets around me. I can feel, even without seeing, how they glow around my body. A soft, warm, illuminated caress, but one that is kept from being too sweet by a sudden chill of air licking lightly down my naked, exposed shoulder. Its touch wakes something in me, deeply buried. Something that in more conscious moments, I have worked hard to keep at bay for many years now. But here, on the cusp of dream and waking world, with the dark behind my eyes pushing back against the light now holding my body (and yet wanting it, wanting it still), I feel it rising.
At first it was just every now and again. I could get past it, forget it happened. Now, so many mornings, there it is. It will not let me go.
I feel good. I feel warm, and light, and right, and perfect. And then I want. I want to share this feeling. And with each lick of cold air on my shoulder, I want more. More, want, need runs through my body like current released at the touch of a switch. I want, I crave more exposure. I want to feel the the covers slipping off my body, the cold air rushing in to touch my skin everywhere, while I suddenly feel some other warm thing move in to touch me everywhere. Someone else's skin against my skin, pressing, rubbing, bringing warmth and flame to the chilly morning air surrounding us.
I turn over, toward the inside of the bed. I reach out for it.
No, not for "it."
I have to say it. I reach out for him. For the person who isn't there.
I know what this is telling me. I know it, but I don't want to know. I'm afraid of it.
Of that, and of the long hiatus having to end. Of who will fill that space. And who won't.
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photo credit: wish you were here by Okaypro
Comments (9)
I remember that feeling well. It was way too familiar in my late teens and 20s, but just as I adjusted to it and made peace, Mrs. Poobah came along.
Take care.
1. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on January 13, 2007
I look forward to that feeling again myself, when it comes I'll know it's time.
And I kid you not, as I read your post I was listening to A Little Too Late, by Delta Goodrem, part of the lyrics:
'cause I just wanna be loved just wanna be heard
Be lost in the feeling standing here
At the door to my life
Now that day has arrived so loud and clear
You'll hear me singing
Good luck on your search!
2. Posted by Fusion on January 14, 2007
I'm doing the opposite. I'm reaching out to make sure that there's no one there.
Ah, the wonders of solitude. For now.
3. Posted by The Retropolitan on January 14, 2007
Omnipotent Poobah: Well, I'll have to hope for similar results, I suppose...I could use a Poobah--I will accept no lower rank.
Fusion: Heh, how synchronicitous. I'd never heard of her before--she's not big in America. But I just went to YouTube and watched the video. She looks like she could be Mandy Moore's twin sister, separated at birth. Though I guess in historical precedent, she'd be more like the new Kylie Minogue, being she was on Neighbors and all.
Thanks for the well wishes. Good luck with yours, too.
Retropolitan: I know that choice, and that sigh of relief. I've been there, for quite a long while. It feels much safer where you are; and much scarier where I am. That's in large part what this post is about. There are dangers in exposure.
4. Posted by Miss Syl on January 14, 2007
I'll talk to shop steward at the International Association of Poobahs and see what I can do for you. Just be forewarned. All we Poobah charge standard union rates.
5. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on January 14, 2007
Well, okay, because I guess I wouldn't want a scab Poobah. Gross.
6. Posted by Miss Syl on January 14, 2007
"It feels much safer where you are; and much scarier where I am. That's in large part what this post is about. There are dangers in exposure".
I know I'm not the most versed in this area, but it seems like the glass half empty, half full situation.
You have a new attitude Ms Syl, use it bravely and find joy and excitement in the exposure.
I have a saying framed in my office that I've had for years, and I try to listen to it often:
Never keep the curtains drawn, lest you should miss some glory of the sky.
Just my 2 cents worth.
P.S. Don't forget to wear purple...
7. Posted by Fusion on January 14, 2007
i've been there for a while and have eventually filled the space with a bed buddy. dating doesn't seem to be in my cards even though i feel ready to do it.
least there's some sex now...
but it sure was weird when it wasn't *him* in my bed...
8. Posted by badinfluencegirl on January 18, 2007
The bed is too big sometimes to be alone, and yet just filling it for fillings sake can be so empty. I hope you find a comfortable person to fill the other half.
9. Posted by Eddie on January 21, 2007