I'm Fat
I needed to write this headline to get over something. A fear. Call it one of my cheese suits.
I really want to do this before this year ends and the next one begins.
Before we begin, please look at this photo, what the person chose to name it, read the photographer's summary, and the comments that follow it. I wonder if you thought it was funny, or stupid, or cruel, or just nothing in particular.
For me, it was extremely painful. I feel a deep hurt--the kind of shaky anger and pain and fear and confusion that I can only equate with the feeling of betrayal. That's the closest I can come. How heartless, how without humanity. Look at the PLEASURE with which they go at it. The abject hatred for people they don't even KNOW. It...frightens me. It always has. I have grown to realize I have lived with a fear of this sad reality all my life, regardless of what my own body looked like.
I have wanted to write about body issues for a long time now, but I find each time I think of doing it, I don't know how to start, or what exactly I want to say. There is so much to say, and so much I want to avoid saying. I guess since there is no eloquent way to do this, the best way at this point is just to lay out some facts and then maybe they'll lead to something eventually.
Fact 1:
The thing that is on my mind, that I wanted to talk about today, is I'm now hovering on the line between fat and thin. I have not been on that line for a long time. More specifically, this balance is currently in the form of a number for me. Last week, I was on the brink of breaking the 200 pound mark. As in, one more pound, and the scale would have a "1" as the first figure of three, instead of a "2." It has been...at least two years (or more?) since I could say that.
Fact 2:
I was at one point while I was writing this blog, 248 lbs.
Fact 3:
I have been bothered since the start that I could not admit that when it was true. And that I knew then that if I ever did tell you that number, I would never do so until I was at a weight where I felt safe from the ridicule and scorn I assumed would come with such an admission (see photo link above). I don't know that I'm actually at that safe point now, yet, but I know I feel safer than I would have back then. I feel ashamed that I was ashamed to admit this. I think it was cowardly.
Fact 4:
It is harder for me to tell you about this than it was to talk about my sexual assault. I am more ashamed of being fat and of my body issues than I am of having been a rape victim. I think there is far more disgust and far less pity out there in the world for a fat woman than there is for a rape victim. (At the same time, I think my weight issues may be inextricably bound to my assault issues, but I am as of yet unsure of the exact connection.)
Fact 5:
I have never lied about my body type by saying I was thin, but I was never open about it either. I am certain this deliberate omission allowed people to envision an entirely different kind of woman when they read my writing. I suspect no one read my blog and imagined I was fat. I suspect they imagined an entirely different kind of woman, with an entirely different kind of body than one that was carrying around 248 pounds of weight around on it. I assumed, and continue to assume, that people do not want their image of a sexy, beautiful, mysterious blogger ruined and replaced with the harsh reality of an image of "a fat pig."
Fact 6:
This means, of course, I assume no one would assume if I were fat, that I could also be sexy, beautiful, and mysterious. That I could be anything beyond merely gross.
Fact 7:
I believe with certainty that I will lose readership because of this post. Particularly male readership.
Fact 8:
I can not talk to people about my weight without making a concerted effort to make them understand that "I was not always this way." That I was, at one time, and for a very long time, very thin. I suspect I do this because I think if they know this, it will somehow make them think not quite so little of me as they would if they assumed I have always embodied The Fat Person.
Fact 9:
There is a huge amount of shame I have about having become fat. About being fat. I don't want this to be true, that I feel shame about it, but it is true. I think people look at fat people and make assumptions about them, based solely on their bodies. Loser, sad, lazy, pathetic, slovenly, ugly, subhuman, animalistic (think of the nicknames: fat pig, fat cow, fat fucking bitch, ugly sow, fat ass--all animals).
Fact 10:
It fills me with anger that this is true. That people--and particularly men, but women, too--treat you differently when you are thin than when you are fat. And I know this to be true first-hand. It fills me with anger when I look at personal ads and see men--and I mean even FAT men---saying they only will consider someone "petite or 'fit.'" It also annoys the hell out of me that "fit" is the new euphemism for thin. If you're fat, you don't "fit." It fills me with anger when I hear someone say, "She has such a pretty face, what a shame..." about a woman who is overweight. It fills me with anger when EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to hear fat jokes in the media, and just out in the world--or just commentary on how one shouldn't be fat, how it's preferable to be thin. If you are not fat, you probably don't realize the constant barrage of it. Take a day to notice it carefully. Count it up. It's overwhelming. Some of these comments--if they were said about a race or a religion, people would be up in arms. Fat people are the one group no one even feels a begrudging need (even if only by fear or societal pressure) to show any respect to.
Fact 11:
Even as all this makes me angry, and even as there are many fat people who I love and respect, I often find myself deep down adopting these attitudes, in a once-removed kind of way. As in, I feel sorry for them that I know the world won't look at them as well as they should, because I assume that's the case. That I know many people might not find them attractive. And, much as I'm ashamed to say it, in the past I have sometimes wondered if when I am with a fat person in a social situation, if people think that says something about ME. As if the attitude about fat "rubs off" on the other people around the fat person. As a result, of course, I assume no one would want to be around me while I'm fat, because they wouldn't want my "fat vibes" ruining their mojo.
Fact 12:
I can't tell you how hard it is to have just written that. I can't imagine how pathetic and fucked up I must be coming off.
Fact 13:
Bringing us back to fact 1: I am now hovering. I have lost almost 50 lbs. I am just about to cross the line from plus-size clothing into regular clothing. Just about to cross the line from two-hundred-and-something to one-hundred-and something. And for some reason, I am fucking terrified. I had one pound to go last Thursday, and it was done. This week, I binge ate, so now I am five pounds heaver than I was last week. I just lied to you. I am seven pounds heavier. I actually thought lying by that two pounds would seem different somehow. This is how fucked up I am over this issue. Anyway, I have successfully moved myself away from the brink for one more week, it seems. Sabotaged myself. Whatever.
Fact 14:
Again, I am fucking terrified. I am terrified to be fat, and I am terrified to be thin again. When you are fat, no one sees you. When you are thin, everyone looks at you. But not at you. That's not what they're looking at.
Fact 15:
I feel like no one has ever really seen me in my entire life.
Fact 16:
People congratulate you on getting thin. This enrages me. People feel they have free reign to comment on your body as you lose weight, and especially when you're thin. Many days, I feel I never want to hear I'm beautiful again, unless it has nothing to do with my body. And yet, I crave knowing someone finds me physically beautiful. Because I suspect if they don't see me as beautiful outside, they won't even consider what's inside. I don't want to CARE if people think I'm beautiful. I don't want to CARE. I don't want to CARE. But I do.
Fact 17:
I often see myself as two separate women: fat girl and thin girl. Like they are different people. I guess because I get treated differently, I assume people see me differently, and it's somehow created this split in my own mind. Fat girl is all the things I'm not supposed to be, and all the negative things I am, and all the positive things that go unnoticed when I'm stereotypically beautiful. She's sad, and isolated, but authentic. Thin girl is perfect girl, the girl everyone wants, who can play the surface game really well. She's what the world wants. I'm afraid to lose fat girl. She's part of me. I don't want people to assume she's not there. I don't want people to know she's there somewhere and so not to want me, because she might show up again. Fat girl, while being painful to be her, doesn't have anything to prove anymore. She doesn't have to care what people think, because she already knows what they think--not much. Thin girl--she's the good girl, whose looks please everyone else. I don't want to be pretty to please everyone else. I don't want to be thin to please everyone else. And even if I get thin for me, people will do that--they will express their pleasure at the fact I am thin. I AM NOT GETTING THIN TO "FIT" IN. Or am I?
Fact 18:
I AM NOT GETTING THIN TO "FIT" IN. Or am I?
That is the scariest part. If I'm fat, I know I'm not doing it to fit in. If I'm thin...well...
I am getting thinner because I am getting healthier, finally treating my body nicely after a lot of abuse, and my body is responding. I am also getting thinner because when I look at photographs of me, I don't even know who that woman is. I don't recognize her. I want to know myself. That is my goal. But I know in so doing, it will also gain me certain other things. Acceptance, attraction, desire...love.
I wish someone had ended up loving me while I was fat. It would have proved to me the world isn't as full of fucking assholes as I now think it is. But no one did.
I look at those hundreds and hundreds of personal ads of men--even fat men--saying they'll only date a thin woman. And I know in a matter of months, I'll be able to write to them and they'll want to date me. And all I can think is, FUCK YOU.
---
Photo credit: DIY cosmetic surgery--a tummy tuck by jayjuice. It's a series; the whole set is great. See it here.
Comments (42)
For some reason this post hits me harder than anything else you have written before. And while I wish we could sit down together and talk for much longer about this, I am limited by reality and must engage in some attempt here in this format. Please excuse that reality. First of all, let me be emphatic about one thing from the top. I don't read this blog because of ANY mental image I may or may not have had about you as a person. And so, this admission, changes not one single iota my feelings, my respect, my enjoyment, or any single other thought I have about you. Believe that or not, but it is simply the truth.
I'm not going to argue with you about how people percieve us, tall, thin, overweight, tan, pale, hairy, big nosed, or otherwise, that would be pointless, because it is obviously the truth. People do judge us and that is a fact. I will say however, and this is coming from my own personal experience, that the interior need to be accepted by the outside world causes these swings, these up and down motions of emotion, because of an inner void within us. Becoming comfortable with ourselves, with myself, is a struggle that I also face on a daily basis. My own experience stems from physical and verbal abuse when I was young and from my own more violent experiences, no doubt. But also from a truth that cannot be denied, a truth in the eyes of those that look at me. The fact is however, that I have come to accept who and what I am on my own terms, within me, and the outside world can go and fuck themselves. Like I said, this is an ongoing struggle, but it does get better. But I do have my days. When our self-image comes from within us, and not from outside of us, then we can truly begin to be ourselves. I tried so hard for so many years to find that acceptance in others, while not realizing that it was me that needed to accept me.
The only issue with being overweight however, that also cannot be ignored, is the health issue. And while others may congratulate you on getting thinner, they are also congratulating you on getting healthier. And that is indeed a good thing. Weight has never been a problem for me until the last few years, and now I am also struggling with my own issues, it finally has started to catch up with me. As a person that hovers around the 300 mark, although no one knows it from looking at me, I certainly can understand your feelings.
They are true feelings. It is true that our bodies are not really us, we only inhabit them. It is also true that we all desperatly want to be accepted by those around us, not only for who we are, but for what we are. But until we ourselves can do so, how can we expect those around us to? That doesn't seem fair does it?
Gosh, I have so much more to say, but my time is limited today. I send you much love and more understanding. And hopes for a new year and not for a "new" you, but a you that continues to grow and understand herself.
1. Posted by ArtfulDodger on December 29, 2006
This is the first post of yours that I have read and I applaud your honesty. I have been losing weight (I am right about where you are and I started at about the same place)and while it is different for men I have noticed some of the same things you have. A few years a go I lost a lot of weight over the course of a year and it shocked me how differently people treated me. I was treated with a lot more respect as a thin person than I was as a fat one and when I put a fair amount of the weight back on I was met with a lot of derision. I admit that mt weight problems were due to my own lack of discipline but it is disturbing to see how much importance society places on this issue. it is even more disturbing to me to notice those same attitudes creeping into my own psyche.
2. Posted by Finished Last on December 29, 2006
~Okay, so you're fat. But what I really want to know is, do you wear glasses with winged corners? That's for some reason part of the vague picture I have of you. I don't mind either way, but I think winged corners would be cool. With diamante inserts too. And blonde streaks? I bet you've got blonde streaks.
Anyway, I just wrote a story with a fat character as the central protagonist. I got really fond of her, for how she came out other than people might have imagined.
And I understand too the 'fat me', 'thin me' thing. Wanting that extra flesh as protection, as comfort, as a fuck-you to all the (in my head I see thin people as) lucky, shallow, cruel, dangerous, threatening, beautiful. But still, I hate having to haul around the fat bits. And how my eyes disappear into my head and the body distorts. Last few years, rather than making the usual 'I'm going to get slim/healthy/beautiful' resolution, I decided to try: 'I'm going to love my body'. It helped, somewhat. But I still am not at peace with my belly. ; )
Thanks for a provocative and touching post. Have a wonderful New Year and a great 2007.
N x
3. Posted by Nikki on December 29, 2006
I love it when you confront something that terrifies you, and you bluntly spill it.
When you do that, you're my blog hero.
And you know I think you're utterly fabulous and beautiful.
4. Posted by Elvis on December 29, 2006
Ms Syl,
You've once again confirmed my opinion that you are one of the bravest and most insightful people I (kinda) know.
I will admit that I had an image of you as a beautifully curvaceous redhead (red, I don't know why except maybe because of your fierceness). Now I think of you as a beautifully cuvaceous,stronger than you know, witty, sensitive, loving, courageous and every other wonderful adjective I cannot think of right now. (Try not to gag on my syrup cuz it's from the heart!)
Body image is an issue for most women but I am sure much more so for (what word to use that is ok?) ample women. While I've never had a weight issue, I do have a nose issue and a teeth issue and a intellect issue. Guess what? I've decided we all are human and we must travel this life as best we can with as much grace as we can. That's all we can do.
That Flickr thingie is horrible. Those people are so lost I even feel a bit sorry for them.
xoxo
TM
PS - You have no idea how you helped me a while back with a post you wrote. Thank you.
5. Posted by TM on December 29, 2006
Syl, you're not fat. You're not. Your post sounded like it could have come out of my head too. And I'm not fat. So if I'm not fat, you're not fat. You ARE a sexy, beautiful, mysterious blogger. Great post, love... Really great post.
6. Posted by darkneuro on December 29, 2006
That Flickr thing was fucked up. I understand the sickening, punched-in-the-stomach feeling when you see someone reviling something that you think might be you. I feel it when I hear words like chink or gook. Instant vulnerability, helplessness, and exposure.
7. Posted by Hiromi on December 29, 2006
Art: Thanks for your kind words. It probably hits you harder because it was one of the hardest for me to write. I've only written one other that felt more scary than this, and I mentioned i was fat in that one, too, so I'm sure that was part of it. I just buried it in other things, there, so no one may have noticed much.
Inner acceptance is certainly the key to feeling good at any weight. And people judging...I am learning and trying to remember that's more about them than about me. But clearly I am still not past it when it comes to this issue. I was raised in an environment that was very disparaging about fat, so I learned these issues early, even if physically I wasn't displaying the traits being criticized.
Anyway, this post was about taking a step toward self acceptance...regardless of how I look. For me, part of that is learning not to be ashamed or hide from what I fear. And to me, part of lifting that shame is just SAYING I'm ashamed, even when I think I shouldn't be. I don't know why, but it's an important part for me.
Re the thinner/healthier thing, I know what you mean, but I have issues with that. At some point in my life, I was what today would be a size zero--probably 110 lbs or less--and I was sadly out of shape regardless. I was in better shape when I was 170 lbs and working out every day. And thinness does not necessarily equate with health. Heroin and speed addicts are notoriously thin. And I'd say even at my fattest, i was healthier than them. My father, who was very thin and atheletic all his life, had to have a quadruple bypass. So...I don't really buy the fat=unhealthy, thin=healthy argument in total. In any case, no one congratulates you for getting healthy. They don't say, "You're acting so HEALTHY! I'm so glad you seem well!" They say, "Wow, you're so much thinner! You look great!" I think people will often use "health" as a smokescreen to criticize fat people.
Nikki dear: Your response made me laugh, so points to you. Funnily, you are the second person this month who is suggesting I ought to have cat-eye/winged, jewelled glasses. In fact, I don't. I DO have glasses, but they are black emo glasses, though more ovally than the classic square types, because my face is a bit oval/heart shaped, and square doesn't look good on me. Mine are pretty close to this. Though, I need to get a new pair soon...maybe wings are on the horizon!
Blonde streaks? Never, never. I've done various shades of red streaks, and browns, and purples. And someday soon, blue. But no...in general I'm a dark brown, near black-haired girl, and I like it this way. Something blonded NEVER this way comes.
Karl Elvis: As do I, of you. Thank you.
I was going to say "you ain't so bad yourself," instead of the above. But then I realized that was a big lie. You ARE so bad yourself. So, SO bad. ;-) Rhino bad.
TM: I'm blushing. Thank you for saying such nice things. And I'm very glad if any post of mine helped you. It made my day to hear that.
DN: You know what, I don't want to be afraid of saying I'm fat anymore. I want to erase the negativity that word holds for me. It's a weight/height/body mass measurement, not an indictment of my personality or being. So I WANT to say it. Technically, at the height of my weight, I think by medical standards I would have counted as being obsese. I am currently technically overweight for my height. So I'm fat. So what.
What I am learning, is that it doesn't mean anything about me, including that I don't look appealing. Those who think I am merely because of build...that's their issue. It's just hard to keep that in mind with all the bad messaging and fat hatred I've been absorbing all these years, and with constantly being confronted with more of it.
I want to thank you, personally, though. Your HNTs have in particular been a real inspiration to me since I've gotten to know you. I love how you love your body and show it proudly. From the first photo of you I saw, I have always wished I could be more like you in that way. You know you're beautiful...I wish I could feel like that.
Hiromi: Yeah, it's exactly that. But you know, I used to feel it even when it WASN'T me, and I was never sure why. But I think I had body and appearance issues well before I had the body that would "match" the negative stereotype. I just didn't realize.
I actually would have felt this if I saw such comments about any number of other things that I wasn't, too, I think. If I'd seen the same post with comments about "chink" or "gook," I would have gotten the same feeling. I have in the past. Though perhaps not quite as acutely as one I knew was directed at me...I'm not sure. Hard to measure. Mostly abject, nonsensical hatred, bigotry, and judgment makes me nervous, angry, and afraid, across the board. It makes me feel despairing of humanity.
8. Posted by Miss Syl on December 29, 2006
Oh, I agree totally that the "healthy" comment is also a smokescreen for most people, heck there are a lot of those in this environment of political correctness... seems we've simply exchanged one dictionary for another doesn't it?
I also certainly didn't mean that I felt that thinner meant healthier, only that for society at large that seems to be the thinking. My own personal opinion is that health is health, and while a person can be unhealthy at any weight, gross obesity is obviously harder on a heart and joints. But I think we all have examples in our lives. Heck, my Grandfather drank like a fish and rolled his own cigarettes and lived to be 89 years old and died in his sleep, healthy as a horse.
I just wanted you to know that there are people out here that do not judge the book by the cover, but by the content of the story. Granted, there aren't many of us, and we don't have club meetings or anything, but we are trying.
Happy new year beautiful.
9. Posted by ArtfulDodger on December 30, 2006
Art: Dammit, why aren't there club meetings?!?!
That would make my life so much easier. Hey, you're the master organizer...I say you start the club!
Because, y'know, you don't have enough on your plate already. :-P
Happy new year to you, too, gorgeous man. I hope every tiny moment of 2007 is filled with light and happiness for you.
10. Posted by Miss Syl on December 30, 2006
Allow me to stand up and join the ranks of readers applauding you and wholeheartedly wishing to give you a virtual hug, not for your benefit but for our own... for writing - out loud - what we think and feel ourselves, describing our own struggles, rubbing our own issues and challenges, and making us pause in our busy lives to realize just how connected, how similar, we all are.
Your honesty makes you a brilliant writer and a soul commanding real respect while inspiring us all. Yours are the type of mind and writing I seek when I'm browsing blogs or selecting a book to earn my precious little time. By being honest, you speak for all of us, you are all of us.
Whether it's weight or self-esteem or motivation or interpersonal relationships or anything else, we've all felt, questioned, and struggled with the same feelings and even prejudices that you have and do.... especially if we're women who seem plagued with struggling with most issues as we fight to define ourselves separate from the mold our environment wants to press us into. Yes, I've been there. I'm still there. And I'm eternally grateful to you for braving the truth and enlightening those who've stopped by your blog entry. This is how we make the world a better place: by knowing each other and being reminded how all of our struggles are essentially the same and we can all contribute to the solution. ;)
... and the comments attached to that photo you directed us to makes me spittin' mad as well as sad for the poster himself. So many issues he's obviously still struggling with as he tries to get comfortable in his own skin, and he's yet to realize the benefits of being honest and sharing what's really on his mind.
Meanwhile, you've got me hooked! I'll be back to continue reading and learning. Keep in touch!
xoxo
Tara
11. Posted by Tara Tainton on December 31, 2006
Tara: My goodness, thanks so much! You are very kind, and it's certainly nice to feel understood. It's also nice to meet you and I look forward to more visits from you. :)
Oh, and by the way, the person who posted that photo and caption was a woman. Which for some reason makes it feel even worse to me, in a way.
12. Posted by Miss Syl on December 31, 2006
AMEN!! If you need a partner in crime to lose weight with don't hesitate to bother me about it inn 2007!
13. Posted by Nikeroo on December 31, 2006
Great post.
Fact is, people do treat fat people poorly, but then, they treat other people poorly at one time or another too...witness all the Nicole Richie jokes about stick-thinness.
I can't speak for others, but weight truly doesn't mean much to me. My wife is overweight and has been for nearly all of our 23 year marriage. She is as beautiful and sexy today as she was then. I'm no picture of six-pack abs and bulging muscles either and I'm omnipotent fer Chrissakes! The funny thing is, she's much less comfortable with her weight than I am of it. Go figure.
Just be your own beautiful self whether your "self" starts with a 1 or a 2. If you want to lose weight, do it for you. If you don't want to lose weight, do that for you too.
Either way, it's between you and you. The rest of the populace can just F-off if they can't deal with that.
Easier said than done, I know. But I also know that if anyone can carry it off, it's you.
Go forth and be beautiful.
14. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on December 31, 2006
You amaze me.
Lately each post of yours is so honest and powerful that I find myself thinking about it for days afterwards. This last blew me away. You said so many of the things that I have been needing to say for the past few years ever since I crossed the unseen but oh so real line between "thin" and "fat."
Brava. And best wishes for a strong and hilarious and elegant New Year.
15. Posted by Mu Ling on December 31, 2006
We humans are a funny race and we do have our preferences: blonde, brunette, short, medium, tall, full-figured, petite, straight hair, curly hair, fair or dark, etc., etc.
There are some who would want you smaller no matter what your size and there are many of us who otherwise would find your size exciting and prefer you as you are now.
Most of us humans, however, get lost in the person herself. Though our preferences may at first provide attraction and enhance our excitement, the real excitement--and the enduring attraction--comes from being with a real person, especially a person of some substance. Personality and strength trumps looks. It is the person underneath the appearance that we are really attracted to.
As we go through life together we all change, and somehow over the years our preferences manage to track that beautiful person of substance that we really fell in love with.
16. Posted by Anonymous on January 1, 2007
"Fact 15:
I feel like no one has ever really seen me in my entire life."
I think you nailed every person who has ever gone through a health change. I lose weight, people talk about what a fat slob I used to be. I gain weight, people feel free to use my stomach as a joke point of reference. It makes me wonder what the fuck they think of the guy carrying that weight around.
I've dated an anorexic and it drives me up the wall how people refer to overweight people as unhealthy. Unhealthy is growing a fine sheen of fur on your skin because your body fat can't keep you warm.
I don't have any anwsers or wisdom. I just wanted to let you know I know what you are going through.
17. Posted by Shon on January 1, 2007
I adore you so much for writing this. I felt sick at the flickr photo. Disgusted.
I once lost a ton of weight and my body absolutely rocked. People touched me all the time. They looked at me. They talked about my figure.
I fucking hated it. It was dreadful. I felt like I was on display.
Remember when we talked about this several months ago? I'm so glad you went ahead and wrote this piece.
18. Posted by aag on January 1, 2007
Syl, this is one of the most difficult entries I've found here--difficult in that it takes on contemporary society's most pervasive and enduring form of prejudice and discrimination.
It is a form of prejudice that everyone encounters, and almost everyone is guilty of perpetuating. There are no laws against it, and our society accepts it as OK, or even funny. I don't need to go into details; you know exactly what I mean.
The root of this prejudice, I think, lies in our past. Rightly or wrongly, we are conditioned to think of lean, muscular men as good providers, I suppose because they would be better at hunting and gathering food. And we are conditioned to think of women with large breasts and shapely asses as better breeders.
Of course, people can contribute great things in contemporary society without conforming to these body types. But our collective attitudes have not caught up with this reality, so the prejudice lingers.
Overlaying this is the concern about health. You can hardly open a newspaper or watch a newscast without hearing about the "obesity epidemic" and what it is doing to our bodies. The problem lies in defining a healthy weight range for billions of different individuals. What is "right" for one, or even a majority of the populace, isn't right for everyone.
I thought the comments on the picture you linked to were, in the main, heartless and disgusting (although, to be fair, I don't condone littering in parks either). As for you, I like you the way you are, I want you to be healthy, and I want you to take good care of yourself so we can continue our conversations for a long time. You are the best judge of what you need to do for your own health. As for the rest of it, it's fine with me if you never get on a scale again.
19. Posted by Cherrie on January 1, 2007
Wow what a great post.
Regarding your Fact #7 You gained me for a reader solely from reading this post. I am inspired by your honesty and courage. I just started a blog with similar intents to give voice to my feelings, concerns, thoughts, emotions. I hope that by writing them down I will have to think them through more completely and in so doing I will have a better handle on what deivers me.
Regarding Fact #12 As I sort of said above... You sound brave, courageous, articulate and very much in touch with your self. That is a quality that you dont often get to experience. Most people are very caught up in 'stuff' to the point that they no longer know them selves out side of their wants.
This is why I will continue to read your writings.
Fluxingup
20. Posted by Fluxingup on January 1, 2007
Hi Miss Syl,
I dunno what to tell you. I read you because I think you're interesting and intelligent, though a little over-analytical, to be honest.
I think that it's totally true that people judge by appearances-- I'm not the first person to say that women sort men into the 'I'd sleep with him'/'I wouldn't sleep with him' pile in the first 20 secs. At the same time, when it comes to blogs, I come hear to see what you have to say-- content of the old character and all that.
All my regular bloggie buddies are beautiful to me. I will probably never meet any of them. I find them alternately exciting, interesting, sexy, fun and intriguing, by what they have to say. I cheer on any photo exposure (HNT) because I think it's really fun when anyone gets excited and frisky. They're all little sexpots to me!
The biggest sex organ is the mind. After being (unsuccessfully) married to a woman who was a fashion model on/off for awhile, for five years, and gone to the other extreme, I can definitely say that this is true.
XOXO
Chuck
21. Posted by whatthechuck on January 1, 2007
Hello Miss Syl,
This is the first time i've visited your blog (thanks to AAG for linking),
and I wish my wife were still here to read this. She fought weight issues all her life, starting with her mother's hurtful comments as a child. She finally had gastric bypass surgury three years ago and had brought her weight down 100 pounds before she developed a brain tumor last May.
She always said that one of the most understated predujucies in our country has been toward overweight people. The comments on that photo certinly bear that out. I have what some people call a beer belly and I don't even drink beer! But if you saw pictures of my uncles and grandfather on my moms side of the family, they all had it. My son has it (and hates it). Just like some women have big hips and some guys have bald heads, we all are different shapes. But I know some people look at me and think "lazy". In the past I've come to terms for the most part with "me" and I no longer care as much about what others think. But now as I'm realizing I may start dating again, some of the self doubt comes creeping back in. But thank you for writing about it, because it needs to be written about and put out there, because nothing will change perception wise unless brave people like yourself do it.
Bravo, and you have just gained a male reader!
22. Posted by Fusion on January 2, 2007
Hello,
First time reader and I think I am hooked. You did not lose a male reader, you gained one. My wife is fat. Period. She was pushing 300 when she had our kids. She is back down to 260 now. She is still as beautiful to me as the day we met. She has always been heavier than me. She is also gorgeous and the only person that I know that can love me. She is also the only one that I know that could deal with my offspring ( I was a devil child). And all of this has NOTHING to do with her weight. Her issues with her weight are her own. I have issues with her weight, but only because the weight prevents her from doing things she enjoys/ed. It is these things that she cannot do that make her sad and not like the weight.
This all being said, we my wife has started Jan Twoth. When all good things start. She needs to lose the weight to be able to handle our kids with breaking down. Also so she can get some surgery to repair what the kids did to her during pregnancy.
Well done and very brave to do.. even if you are totally anonymous, it is still very hard to put into words what you have done.
Oh, and have to say thanks to AAG since her link to you is how I got here.
KH
23. Posted by Kid Herder on January 2, 2007
You definitely haven't lost me:)
24. Posted by Notcarrie on January 2, 2007
A friend of mine is someone you should check out, she is doing different work now, but really the same:
http://www.isna.org/node/961
Thanks for your post.
25. Posted by Anonymous on January 3, 2007
Well, you r on extreme side of thinking. In asia woman is loved and respected if she is plump (healthy). Bigger. It is a sign of health. We in India prefer well formed heavy woman for love and family. Love yourself.
Avin
26. Posted by Avin on January 5, 2007
here's the thing, dear. People who find the need to comment on the weight of others do so because their insecurities prevent them form commenting on anything else. In other words, all they have going for them is their relative "fitness". It's certainly not their humanity or charm.
You're never going to see a person of true intellect making some awful observation about a person's weight, like the breeders in the "please don't breed" pool. I'm up there in the 250s and I have no desire to breed, thanks. I have, however, given birth to two astounding sons.
In my opinion, real men don't give a damn about a woman's weight. No seriously. They don't notice it because they are fully capable of seeing a woman's heart, intellect and soul. Grant you, physically "fit" is more physically attractive to most of us, even large ladies like myself. But then again, I've lost interest in feeling f'able and moved on to a better set of external validations...yeah sure, I'm fat, but before that any senscient being is going to notice I'm brilliant, powerful, poised and invaluable. HA!
27. Posted by Anita on January 6, 2007
sorry to over comment on my first visit but the flickr thing got my back up a bit...
I think what has those delightful trogs upset the most is the mutual "love bites" part. IF you ask me, the forgettable snapshootist posting the picture found those hickies most offensive because it's suggests something given she has to live on rice and spinach to get anyone to even date her, and her "love bites" probably haven't been mutual.
In other words, like my mom used to say, she's just jealous. and very very very insecure.
28. Posted by Anita on January 6, 2007
Dear Anita,
Good words, I too agree with you. My exp. fat (so called) women are energetic, happy, bold , intelligent and friendly, and very sexy. Its not a issue at all.
avin
a_v_friend@yahoo.co.in
29. Posted by Avin on January 6, 2007
I just showed up for the first time, read this post and want to applaude you.
I dig your honesty and your self-awareness.
As for Lauramary (or whatever here name is) has shown how ugly she really is.
You, on the other hand, I'm quite smitten with.
30. Posted by newscoma on January 6, 2007
Nikeroo: Thanks for the offer. Actually this time I'm finding the best method for me in that area has been to make it a very individual, private thing.
I may talk about the body image and self esteem issues more here, but as to my actual habits and weight loss progress and whatnot, I probably won't be talking about that stuff. I am trying NOT make that my focus in my life, but rather just changing unhealthy patterns and creating an overall, healthier lifstyle for myself, mentally and physically, and I assume my body will respond to being well taken care of. For me, I think that will work better than thinking about diets and calories and scales anymore.
In any case, I'm rooting for you in your efforts to meet whatever goals for yourself you so choose, and in finding happiness whether or not you achieve them. :)
Poohbah: Somehow you always manage to cheer me up. Thank you, especialliy for those last few lines. It's nice to know someone believes I can do it. :)
Mu Ling: Happy new year to you, too. I'm both glad and sad to know so many others identify with the post. But I think until we start talking about this stuff, it'll never get addressed. Or at the very least, I know I personally will never be able to get past it if I don't first face that it exists on a more straightforward level. And that means saying it out loud. Somehow you start to feel less ashamed after you say it the first time, and then it keeps lightening up from there.
Anonymous: That is a very hopeful and positive viewpoint on humans. :) I'm glad you believe it and I hope someday I will, too. Or, let me clarify: I believe *some* people are like that, but I tend to believe more aren't than are. So many people (and I include myself in this group) are so hung up on what other people think, that they can't separate that out from what they themselves FEEL.
Shon: Thanks. It helps to be understood. Man, one of the things I hate the most is how people feel they have the right to make unsolicitated comments about your body size and shape, and also tell you if you looked better or worse before or now. It's funny, but I think I developed the majority of my body issues NOT when I first got fat, but when I first lost weight after it (I afterward gained it back). At that time, the commentary got so continuous that I suddenly started to feel l ike people must have been evaluating my body all the time before and I didn't know it. And then I began to lose perspective on what others really thought about my body and me in it. I couldn't see what they were seeing vs. what I was seeing in the mirror. Somehow, all that attention and commentary triggered a lot of stuff that I'd probably been carrying around deeply, but that hand't been significantly ignited until then.
AAG: Yes, that's it. You feel like you're on display and that implies, as with any other kind of display that people get to look at it and decide whether or not they "like" it. I didn't get so much touching (or not that I noticed, you may be more sensitive to it) but I got a lot of commenting. One of the things that has helped me a lot this time with what I'm doing that's resulting in the weight loss came from my nutritionist. When I first came to her, I complained about this behavior of other people, and about how they all keep asking you what you are doing, and all that stuff, too, and that I didn't like all the attention, it affected me in a very negative way. And she said to me, "You know, you don't HAVE to tell them anything. You don't even have to say you're on a new eating plan. You don't even have to acknowledge that you HAVE lost weight, or why you have. You don't OWE them an explanation." For some reason that was like an awakening for me. I really hadn't been able to process it! That I could set limits and I wasn't required to "share" that part of my life. She suggested If someone came up to me and asked if I'd lost weight, I just say, "Yes," sort of straightforward and politely but coldly with no follow up. That it would tend to cut people off. And it did. And she also said, if you wan't it's perfectly fine if people ask, "How did you lose weight?" to just say something like, "Hm, I dunno, I guess my body is just changing." These days, I'm more straightforward and if someone says or goes somewhere I don't want to go about it, I just say, "I don't really like talking (or want to talk) about that." And then I move on. You could do the same thing with touching.
Anyway, the ODD thing is that since that nutritionist said that to me and I was able to walk around knowing I had the power to discourage conversation about it, it has almost NEVER COME UP. I have lost almost 50 lbs now, and it's entirely noticeable, and no one barely says anything. Whereas the last time, I must have been giving off a vibe of "no limits" and people were all over me. It's amazing how a little shift in attitude and confidence can change the air around you in a way that makes people behave differently.
Cherrie:Thanks for your comments. Your level of comfort with your own body that I can feel coming through on your blog and in your photos has been a real inspiration to me, though I've never told you that until now. I thank you for that very much. Seeing women who are not fashion models able to display their bodies so naturally and proudly is much longed for medicine.
(And I don't like litterers either, and point well taken and recognized even the first time I read it. But I don't think any of the commenters were focusing on that except the original poster--and the name of the photo pretty much gave away what her main focus REALLY was. If it had just been about litter, she would have named it "litterbugs" or something. And really, if what she was upset about was their littering, there was no need to lash out at everything else about them.)
Fluxingup: Thanks for the vote of readership. :) You will have to let me know the address of your blog so I can check it out. You didn't link to it in your comment.
whatthechuck: It is true, and I think as people progress in life, they realize that. The funny thing is, I can do this with MY partners, but I can't imagine anyone can do it with me. And for the record, I rarely size up whether I'll sleep with someone in the first 20 seconds, unless they're really smelly. :) Or, I guess, incredibly obnoxious within 20 seconds, which has occasionally happened.
First I size up from what they say and do if I want to TALK to them/hang out with them any further. And then, eventually, if I like what I'm hearing and there's some kind of chemistry, THEN I think about whether I want to sleep with them.
Can't speak for other women, though...maybe I'm just a freak?
Fusion: Welcome, and what a lovely, thoughtful comment. I'm very sorry to hear about your wife's death, and her struggles with body image and cancer, as well as what must have been your struggles with such things, as well, as marriages involve both in each other's issues. I wish you luck as you move toward the dating world. That is something I'd put on hold for a few years as I've worked through some other things I felt it was important to take care of first, but I think, like you, part of it has also been trepidation. And part of that trepidation has been body image. So I know what you're talking about. But I also know that not everyone is that shallow, and it always sort of seems to me that men have it a bit easier...it seems women are willing to consider men whose personalities they like, even if they don't look like an Adonnis. It always seems to me in reverse, men expect both. Though you also often hear them joke they care about looks even more than personality, and that feels pretty bad to hear.
Kid Herder: Welcome, I'm glad you stopped by. I like the name! It was very heartening to hear your attitude. I know men like you are out there, but they are so hard to find! I wish they'd make themselves a little more obvious. I wonder--was your wife overweight when you met her, too? One of the things that is disturbing to me is that I am losing weight and will be thin, but I STILL want to be with a man like you, who isn't with me because of my body type at all, either way. Or rather, would find me attractive either way. But see, it's a bit like getting rich and then never knowing if people like you for you or your money. If you're thin, you don't know if you're getting a shallow guy who would only like you because you look a certain way.
NotCarrie: I am very glad for that. :) I would miss you if you were gone.
Anonymous: I have glanced at the link but have been overwhelmed of late and haven't been able to give it a full read yet. It definitely looks interesting. Thanks for the tip.
Avin: I am getting there. Yes, I do know other countries value very different body sizes, and perhaps my shape would be admired in those countries. I suppose what is hardest for me is I don't want there to be ANY one type that is "preferred," but for people to realize people can be beautiful and vibrant and sexy at any size or shape--it's in learning to love all sizes and shapes and what they have to offer.
Anita: Nice to meet you. I'm glad you've been able to find such solid self-actualization. I am working on it...
You said: "I've lost interest in feeling f'able and moved on to a better set of external validations..." I'm curous how you moved from the first mindset to the second. How does one make that progression and let that go?
Also, I agree with your assessment about what makes a real man, but sadly I havne't met many such examples, so I think those "real men" may be rather thin on the ground. But perhaps that belief is what is holding me back from seeing all of them that are out there...I don't know.
Also, also, yes, I too thought the focus on the love bites was very telling. It was clear that it bothered them that people who didn't look perfect could be sexual and enjoy it enthusiastically and unapologetically. I think that is a fear they must have..."But I'm trying to be perfect so hard, so I can be sexy...you mean I don't HAVE to be perfect and I can still get laid???"
newscoma: (blushes) The word "smitten" directed at me always gets me. Not to mention I have a soft spot for curmudgeonly newsfolk (are there any other kind?). And hey, bonus points for the neo-beatnik usage of "dig," which I also adore. Thanks for your kind words and welcome to the 'Teria. Hope I'll see you again.
31. Posted by Miss Syl on January 7, 2007
" I'm curous how you moved from the first mindset to the second. How does one make that progression and let that go?"
I haven't been completely successful in overcoming the self loathing. I cna tell you it helps to go cold turkey on the mainstream media and their obsession with everyone getting laid.
It helps to focus on women coming in power ... ever notice how there's an undercurrent to the "reporting" on powerful women? Like somehow it matters what they look like? Ever remember anyone commenting on Denny Hasstert's hair?
Try to make the shift this way -- your obsession with your weight is actually an obsession with being desirable to men -- something nurtured in you by a waning culture of male domination. This has little to do with sex and everything to do with subjegating you.
Have sex, don't have sex and put yourself in whatever shape you are most content doing either. Take back your bod, baby.
32. Posted by Anita on January 8, 2007
Thanks for having me.
And curmudgeonly gives me a happy.
I think that's groovy. (more neo-beatnick talk for my new smitten one.)
33. Posted by newscoma on January 8, 2007
I dont fully agree with all you say, but generally I feel with you. The way people sometimes behave online ins absolutely outrageous. But I guess it is just an expression of their own shortcomings and frustations. So lets all just ignore them...
34. Posted by nemesiswish on January 11, 2007
i just stumbled upon your lovely blog, and all i can muster to say at the moment is "thank you." you are brave and honest and self-loving where i wish to be, and know i will be one day.
thank you.
35. Posted by mer on January 13, 2007
Anita: ...ever notice how there's an undercurrent to the "reporting" on powerful women? Like somehow it matters what they look like?
Oh yes. Drives me nuts.
your obsession with your weight is actually an obsession with being desirable to men
Good point. A friend of mine recently said something to the effect of her body is there to carry her around and bring her pleasure. Its job isn't to please others. Though if it does, fine, nice bonus. I am trying to remember this.
newscoma: I dig what you're laying down, kitten.
mer: I'm happy if the post helped you. Thanks for thinking I'm all those things, but I also have a long way to go. Right now I'd say I still have to work on the self-loving thing. :)
36. Posted by Miss Syl on January 14, 2007
Miss Syl,
I just read your I'm Fat blog item. My "a few extra pounds" lover pointed me here. Actually she pointed me to your blog in general, I just did the math. Let me tell you though, she, at what she considers to be overweight, is the most sexy, sensuous woman I have ever been with. And no, I don't have a "fat" fetish. My wife is of "normal" size and I didn't go in search of an overweight lover. What I think is truly healthy, and therefore sexy, is a woman who has an aire of confidence and strength. My "overweight" lover has this. She exudes sensuality like no one I have ever met. And she has permitted me to express my sensuality beyond my imagined boundaries. Does she want to loose weight, yes. Will that matter to me, no. I do know that she truly "gets" that I love her, not for, or because of her body. It's the heart, soul and vulnerability that she's so willingly shared with me. But now, that she feels love, she's ready to become the woman she will recognize when she looks in the mirror. As for me, I was never really heavy, at 5'9" 210, but after loosing 55lbs I can say health is an issue, emotional health, and being able to do the level of activity I truly enjoy. Great article... great courage.
Landjaeger
37. Posted by landjager on January 17, 2007
I find this honesty a wonderful tale. I think we live in a society that often focuses too much on what we think we should look like.
One of the most sexually complete women I ever met was well over 250lbs I am sure, I never ask. But her sexiness was something that I found was powerful and went beyond her physical body and she was never at a real loss for lovers.
I am glad I found this blog. Thank you.
38. Posted by Eddie on January 21, 2007
I realize that I'm months late in posting, but I just came across your blog today for the first time, and have been perusing the archives. This post in particular struck me as being particularly relevant in my own life, and voices many fears and hang-ups that I myself have about weight and body image. I am about 40 pounds over my ideal weight, and have been for the last 5 years. I've gone up and down a bit in that time, but always seem to settle in at "pudgy". This has affected many aspects of my life, from the obvious (e.g. self-esteem) right down to my sex life (I'm 21 years old and still a virgin). I've never dated, nor have I received any offers since I've been at this weight. I think that's probably more a function of how I feel about myself than how I look, but nevertheless, it gets downright lonely. You voiced so many of my feelings beautifully, one of which is the fact that I too can never have a conversation about my weight without saying that I wasn't always this way. That I once was thin and beautiful, that I haven't always been the chubby girl. Occasionally, friends of mine will openly mock girls who are skinnier than I am for being "fat," and I'm always amazed at their insensitivity. Such comments always invoke a fiery reaction from me, which probably makes people think I'm overly sensitive, and maybe I am. But the way people treat the "fat" issue makes me furious. I'm afraid to eat in public sometimes, especially if it's chocolate or something like that (which I rarely allow myself), because I can see people looking at me and thinking, "she shouldn't be eating that."
Finally, I too am almost afraid to lose weight, to be thin again. I think, somewhere inside, I'm afraid of losing my primary excuse for my status as an unwilling virgin. Up to now, I've been able to blame my weight for the nonexistence of romantic relationships in my life. But what if I lose weight and nothing changes? What if I, myself, the inner me, isn't good enough? What if even the thin me is not attractive enough? Weight is a problem that has a solution, as bad as I feel about it, but rejection based on other shortcomings is something I don't think I can endure.
39. Posted by Sarah on May 17, 2007
Landjaeger and Eddie: Forgive me for taking so long to say thank you for your kind words.
Sarah: Thanks for writing. I was really moved by your entry, because so much of what you say has or even still does run through my head. It's very familiar to me. I recognized myself in your descripton of having been so self conscious of eating certain things in public. I remember thinking about what people must think of me getting cake when I was fat, things like that. It's a horrible feeling to have, especially since really probably no one is thinking about us at all...it's just our own self-hatred creating criticism for ourselves.
I wanted to put out there that I don't think it means anything to be a virgin at 21. I didn't have sex until only a few months before I turned 21, and I was very thin at the time. Sex is not something that has a time limit; one shouldn't have it until one finds someone to want to have it with. Otherwise, it'll suck.
Do you think perhaps you're equating the fact you haven't found someone to have sex with with some confirmation you're too unattractive to be loved? Because I've done that, and I want to stress that those two things are NOT the same.
I've also had some personal proof that there are a number of men out there in the world who find heavier women attractive. They are perhaps not as blatantly obvious, but I've met them up close and personal.
But really, even having met such men didn't take away my self-hatred for my body. I ended up thinking that perhaps they were defective in their taste, which happened to be fortunate for me, but didn't mean *I* was really attractive.
So I think the issue here needs to be taken OUT of "who else finds me attractive" and to "I find me attractive." It is a hard t hing to do, when society teaches women their main job is to be attractive to others.
A smart female friend of mine told me a few months ago that she had a realization (I'm paraphrasing): "My body was not designed to please others. It was designed to carry me around, and bring ME pleasure. If it pleases anyone else, it's a nice side effect, but it doesn't *exist* to please anyone else but me."
I think this is a good attitude to have, and I'm trying to remember it. My body was created to take care of ME, and to make ME feel good. Do I feel good in it when I walk around? Are my body and my feelings feeling like they're loving each other back and forth? If not, then I need to heal that relationship. If my body and feelings are loving each other and feeling great about each other, than I know I'm doing well.
This attitude had helped me a lot and I think as I've gradually started loving my body more just for ME and what it does for me and how it takes care of me, and so taking care of IT more gently and healthily, my body has responded in kind and I find I'm no longer feeling weighted down and sick with myself.
I still have a long way to go; but it's a good start.
40. Posted by Miss Syl on May 19, 2007
You may have lost a few guys or whatever, but you have just gained my readership. (Is that a word?)
Anyway, I too (like every woman) struggle with hating my body. I have been fat, thin and everything in between. I am currently on a fat purge. Which is because I have just come of a fat gain.
Stay strong girl.
-Laurel
41. Posted by Laurel on June 2, 2007
I cannot begin to tell you how much this post means to me. I relate on every level. THANK YOU for writing it.
42. Posted by sizzle on March 27, 2008