Sexeteria

I've grown to believe that the thing you're most afraid of or most want to avoid is actually the most important thing you should do or confront. So I'm trying to do everything that scares me most. This leaves me feeling somewhat scared a lot lately, but the end results are usually good.

With that in mind, I'm tackling this meme I found on AlwaysArousedGirl, who got it from Darkneuro, both of whom I should thank for the good idea.

I really don't want to post this. So that's why I'm going to. Feel free to try it yourself, too.

(And also it kind of reminds me of the whole concept behind Postsecret, which I absolutely adore.)

So. here goes.

List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason.

Don't say who they are.

Use each person only once.

1. I think you are a weak man; you didn’t have the stamina to stand up for me when it really mattered. I always felt people thought I was too smart and too intense for you, and I constantly felt like I had to justify you to them. But deep down I agreed with them. You were never enough for me, either sexually or intellectually. That's why we really broke up, not because you lied. I just pretended to myself and to you that that was the real reason so I could feel less shallow.


2. I've had recurring dreams where you're aggressively hitting on me. I never like it. That freaks me out.


3. I had a dream where we were having sex. I liked it. That freaks me out.


4. I know it's not fair, but I don't care. I *do* blame you. I feel like you set me up like a lamb to the slaughter. And then when I was bleeding and needed you most, you left me to take care of myself. Part of me just can't stop hating you for this. Sometimes I feel physical revulsion when I think about you. Stop trying to get me to reassure you it wasn’t your fault. It’s not my job to reassure you or protect you. That was your job, and you failed.


5. In my whole life, you were the only person who I ever really thought I could feel anything close to real, true, transcendent, unadulterated love for, even though I never told you because I was certain you'd leave me. I yearned for you for a long time after we split up, though I never told you that, either. Some small part of me may still be in love with you even now. I hate that. I wish that part would shrivel up and die.


6. You were absolutely right. Part of why I moved far away was to get away from you. More than once, I’ve fantasized about what it would be like if you died, because I think that's the only way I'll feel completely free from all your crap.
   


7. Talking to you makes me hope for things I’m terrified I’ll never get.
8. I'm jealous that you have a life I'm not even sure I want.


9. I'm sorry. I feel like an evil person for what I did to you. I hope you're okay now.


10. I knew you liked me. I pretended I was clueless because I was afraid. Now I realize what a huge mistake that was.

There now. I only cheated once--someone on there has two entries.

Hm. I feel like this list looks really imbalanced, because it doesn't have a lot of positive things. But I never keep the good things I want to say to people inside. I always share those. So, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) it's only the negative things that made the list.